


Dreams of Our Love

by SoapDiSpencer



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pining Tendou Satori, Pining Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sad Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori Needs a Hug, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:41:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27569989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoapDiSpencer/pseuds/SoapDiSpencer
Summary: It was their destiny to be constantly fighting to stay together. It was their destiny to never win. It would have been easier had it never been known, but love letters never to be sent always ache.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Other(s)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

Ushijima should have never been in this room. He should have never found this letter. He should have been a better friend. A better friend would not be curled into a ball on the floor of their best friend’s bedroom clutching a confession letter never meant for their eyes. A better friend would not have their heart ripped out because a better friend would have noticed. A better friend would have noticed that their best friend was in love with them. A better friend wouldn’t have misread every sign in the last five years. A better friend wouldn’t be getting married to someone else to try and forget the best friend who had their heart before they even knew what that meant. 

_ Dear, Wakatoshi _

_ I shouldn’t be writing this here. I shouldn’t be writing this at all. I shouldn’t be breathing these traitorous feelings into existence. If you ever found this, I know that our friendship would be over. This is my confession letter. This is every feeling that I have shoved down in my chest desperate to be exactly what you need of me. You are my best friend, but best friends don’t act the way we do. I know it is me. I know that leave it up to you and we would never be anything more than best friends, but I am selfish. I am selfish. I am so fucking selfish. I love you. I love you. I love you. I have loved you since we were sixteen years old and still believing that we could bend the world to fit our narrative. We were so young. You did me the honor of allowing me to watch you grow. You were the only friend I had. You changed my life. You made me feel like I was finally worth something because I could make you smile. If I could make you laugh then that meant I wasn’t the monster that everyone claimed me to be. I was just your friend. That should have been all that I needed. But I started to crave. I started to get greedy. I started to want more. I broke all the rules and pointedly made everyone think that we were together just so that maybe I could speak it into existence. I never lied and voiced my wishes, but when people were looking I touched you reverently. I claimed that we were just really affectionate when my lips brushed your cheek and I wished it was your lips. When we sat on my bed curled together like lovers as we read manga, I claimed that it was normal for friends. I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied some more. I said anything that I needed to keep you by my side running your strong hands through my hair. Anything to keep you leaving those brushing kisses across my cheeks to ‘win’ the competition. I lied to try and live in the fantasy that you loved me back. I wanted you to love me back. But you were always chasing after someone else. I dated and fucked around, but I kept coming back to you. I kept imagining what life would be like if I could be the center of your attention for the rest of our lives. I kept imagining a life where we adopted kids and moved to the country. I kept imagining the wedding we always joked we would have for ‘tax benefits’. I kept clinging to the fantasy of the epic that would be told about our love. But life is not an epic, and this isn’t some slow-burn romance that I will get to fade to black with you in my arms. I know you. I see the way that you have always looked at him. I see the way he always looked at you. I know you. I know that no matter what I will always be your best man and comic relief. I am not the person who gets to feel the warmth of your love. I am not the person who will get to see your eyes when you say your marriage vows. I will be standing at your side watching someone else live out the dream I have held to my heart since we were sixteen. I will be standing at your side when I tell about your epic love as your best man. I will be standing at your side trying my best not to ruin your day. I will dutifully tell the world that your love story was the most beautiful one ever told even if I am watching ours wither. I will do as I should… You will never hear the sonnets I have written in my head about the shape of your lips or the light in your eyes. You will never hear the symphonies of our love that I have conducted over and over again to the sound of your voice. I will keep it all inside because unfortunately, I have learned in the last five years that there is no place for it. There is no place for us in this world. I hope our friendship never fades because it is the only thing keeping this traitorous love inside. I hope I can continue being at your side. I hope that what little of you I am granted never gets snatched away. I hope our love never fades. I love you. _

_ Love, Tendou _

He should have been a better friend. Now he had lost his opportunity with the one person in the entire world he had ever wanted. Tendou was moving halfway across the world and Ushijima was getting married. Neither of them could stop the movement of time to try and reclaim what they both longed for. They were both damned to be traveling in separate directions begging to be brought back into each other’s orbit. 


	2. Watching from Afar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a point where Satori just had to admit that he would never understand Wakatoshi. There was a point that he had to admit that everyone was wrong about him being the only one who understood their ace. He didn't understand him. He didn't think he ever would. He wanted to. He wanted so bad to be the person who understood Wakatoshi. He wanted to be the person that Wakatoshi relied on. 

There was a point where Satori just had to admit that he would never understand Wakatoshi. There was a point that he had to admit that everyone was wrong about him being the only one who understood their ace. He didn't understand him. He didn't think he ever would. He wanted to. He wanted so bad to be the person who understood Wakatoshi. He wanted to be the person that Wakatoshi relied on. 

"Aren't you upset?"

"No, should I be?"

"You don't have to be, but they were being rude to you."

"It doesn't matter."

It wasn't the first instance where he wanted to see inside Wakatoshi's mind. It definitely wouldn't be the last. Wakatoshi was a puzzle that he knew he would never unscramble but couldn't for the life of him put down. He Satori's best friend. He was the man Satori loved with his entire heart.

"Would you like to come over to my place?"

"Why?"

"Just to hang out. I can't come to your room when we're not in school."

"Oh."

"Or we could go somewhere?"

Wakatoshi never gave him an answer. Satori wonders if he ever expected one. Wakatoshi wasn't easy to be friends with. Satori didn't mind. Satori highly doubted he was easy to be friends with. Wakatoshi was quiet where he was loud. Wakatoshi didn't seek Satori out, but Satori was always there anyway. If Satori were any less confident, then he would have thought that they weren't friends, but they were. He knew they were. Wakatoshi had said it himself when he had asked.

"Are we friends, Wakatoshi?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are we friends? Because I can stop bothering you if you want."

"I enjoy having you here."

"You do?"

"I apologize if I don't seem like it, but yes I do consider you my friend."

"It's okay Wakatoshi. I just wanted to make sure."

Satori had quickly changed the subject. He didn't think his heart could take any more. That had been at the early stages of their friendship when Satori didn't know Wakatoshi quite at well. Now Satori knew how to read the minute changes in Wakatoshi's expression. 

"Do I talk too much?"

"I don't think so, but I think that I am biased."

"Why would you be biased?"

"I like listening to you talk."

"You do?"

"It's soothing."

That one had thrown Satori for a curveball. He hadn't expected Wakatoshi to actually say something so sentimental. He knew that most times Wakatoshi was all logic and rationality. He knew that a lot of emotion didn't make sense to Wakatoshi. He quietly wondered if he was underestimating Wakatoshi. 

"Have you ever been interested in someone? Romantically?"

"Yes."

"Did it go anywhere?"

"We dated for a couple of months?"

"When?"

"Last year."

"You didn't tell me? I thought we were best friends!"

"We are. I wasn't aware that I was supposed to tell you."

"You don't have to if you don't want to. It's just something that friends usually talk about."

"Oh. He and I split up because he was interested in someone else."

"Wait. Are you interested in women as well or just men?"

"I do not really care about gender."

Satori felt a small smile tugging at his lips. So many things that he found out about Wakatoshi seemed so obvious when he looked back on them. He didn't need to ask who it was that he had dated. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that he knew another fact about Wakatoshi that he could hold close to his heart. 

"Does it bother you that people think you are emotionless?"

"It depends on the person."

"Does it bother you more when a stranger or someone close to you thinks it?"

"Someone close to me."

"You know I don't think that, right?"

"I know. We wouldn't be best friends if you thought I didn't have feelings."

Satori laid his head back on Wakatoshi's chest. He knew he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be letting Wakatoshi think that his feelings were platonic. He felt like he was lying to Wakatoshi and he never wanted to betray his trust that way. But he was greedy. He was so greedy. He needed this. He needed every warm hug and brushing kiss. He needed the way Wakatoshi would run his fingers through Satori's hair when they sat alone. 

"I am dating someone."

"Really?"

"Yes. You said that friends tell each other things like this so I thought I should tell you this time."

"Is it a man or a woman?"

"It's Oikawa."

"Wow! Congratulations, Wakatoshi! I'm happy for you. Does he make you happy?"

"He does."

"Then I'm happy."

Wakatoshi gave him one of those rare smiled that Satori lived for. More guilt seemed to burn through his veins. Wakatoshi was happy with someone else. He shouldn't still be here clinging to Wakatoshi.

"I proposed to Tooru."

"When? You are supposed to tell me before Toshi! I would have liked to been there for you as you planned it."

"Oh."

"It doesn't matter. What did he say?"

"He said yes."

"That's amazing, Toshi!"

Satori had never felt more like a liar. He kept trying to stop himself from barging between Oikawa and Wakatoshi. He had to physically tell himself that when he thought Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi a little too long that it was him projecting. He had to force himself to be happy for Wakatoshi because he refused to be a bad friend. 

"I want you to be my best man."

"Toshi! Of course!"

Satori shot himself at Wakatoshi hugging him tightly. He wondered if he was a bad person for enjoying the way Wakatoshi still held him close like this even as he was planning his wedding to someone else. He refused to be a homewrecker. He didn't want to make Wakatoshi unhappy. He had resigned himself for leaving as soon as Wakatoshi was married. Wakatoshi had obviously never felt the same so he needed to do the right thing and let him live his life even if he wanted to wring Oikawa's neck most days. He was lying. Oikawa was good for Wakatoshi. If he were a better friend, he would have been over the moon seeing the two together. 

"Will you hold the ring? I don't want him to see it until the day of."

"Of course! I am the best man, Toshi! It's my job!"

Satori felt his heartbreak every time he said those words. He was the love of his life's best man. He would always be the best man. He would have to stand there at the altar and watch the only man he had ever loved marry someone else. He would have to give a speech about the way that Wakatoshi looked at Oikawa when all he wanted was for Wakatoshi to look at him like that. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were never supposed to see that! Damn it, Toshi!"

"Then you shouldn't have put it under my fiancee's wedding ring!"

"I know! I know…"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you obviously never felt the same!"

"Don't decide my emotions for me!"

"You're getting married, Toshi! This is not me deciding your emotions for you. This is me watching you get married to someone else!"

"I thought you knew how I felt about you. You were always so good at reading me."

"I was  _ never  _ any good at reading you! You were the biggest mystery to me! You still are! They call me an expert on you, but I don't think I ever understood you! I wanted to! I wanted to know you."

"Satori I love you."

"Don't… Toshi… the wedding is this month. Don't!"

"Do you want me to hide it? Do you want me to pretend that we both aren't cutting off our nose to spite our face?"

"I want you to be happy! I have always only wanted you to be happy! And he made you happy! The way that you looked at him that first day that we hung out together. That was when I stopped fighting for you. You looked at him like he was your entire world and he looked right back up at you. You looked so happy. That's all I ever wanted for you."

"I wanted that with you."

"Don't… Toshi… Go home. Go back to your soon to be  _ husband _ ."

"Satori-."

"Leave!"

Satori should have known that Wakatoshi wasn't the type to hide things. He should have known he would have Oikawa at his apartment sitting on his couch watching him intently. He should have known that his crimes could never go unpunished.

"I knew he was in love with you. He never lied to me about that."

"What?"

Of all things that Satori had expected to come out of Oikawa's mouth that had not been one of them. He had expected anger. Oikawa was famous for it even if it wasn't exactly true. He knew how much Oikawa put on a mask. The only person who ever seemed to see through it was Iwaizumi. They had hung out together as a group enough for Satori to know that. 

"I knew he was in love with you. He said he could love me too, and he has. He has been wonderful. I admit I am a little jealous. At least one of us gets to have our feelings returned."

"Iwaizumi."

"I knew that you had seen it. I tried to let you know that it was okay and that he didn't feel the same. I didn't want things to be tense between us. You are so important to Ushiwaka."

"I was more concerned about the fact he was in love with you."

"He's not."

"He is."

"He's not."

"I am not going to fight with you about this. Why are you here?"

"Wakatoshi is a mess. He thinks that you never want to see him again. We called off the wedding after a long discussion. We both decided that even if we love each other we can't get married knowing that we will always belong to someone else first."

"I never wanted to come between you two. The wedding was supposed to be tomorrow."

"We told the guests last week. You haven't been picking up Ushiwaka's calls."

"There was nothing to say."

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

"He has more to say to you. He loves you."

"And I love him, that doesn't mean that we belong together. He was happy with you."

"He would be happier with you."

"Did he tell you that? Because I got yelled at for 'deciding his emotions'."

"Yes, he did. Just like I said I would be happier with Hajime."

"He loves you."

"No, he doesn't."

"Anyone with eyes can see it."

"This isn't about me."

"If you are so insistent on your relationship with Toshi being over then you should tell him how you feel."

"Not everyone gets a happy ending."

"But you could."

"Talk to Wakatoshi."

"Talk to Iwaizumi."

"Deal."

"Please get out."

"No need to be rude."

"Oikawa please remove yourself from my apartment. I would very much like to not see your face right now."

"You are worse than Iwa-chan. See you later, Ten-chan."

Satori curled in on himself when he was finally alone. He couldn't let Oikawa see him fall apart. He couldn't let anyone see how gutted he was. He had done exactly what he had told himself he wouldn't do. He had messed up Wakatoshi's relationship. He had been greedy. He had ruined his happiness. 

"Toshi."

"Satori, I am glad you called. We need to talk."

"I'm sorry, Toshi."

"Satori, can I come over?"

"I never meant to ruin everything."

"Satori, I am coming over."

"I just want you to be happy."

"You make me happy."

"You deserve better."

"Nothing is better."

"Toshi… will you kiss me like you used to when you get here."

"If that is what you want."

It didn't actually take long for Wakatoshi to get to his apartment. Satori vaguely wondered if Wakatoshi was already out of the house when he called. He opened the door for him not knowing how to act. Wakatoshi obviously didn't have such doubts because he brushed their lips together softly the way they used to in high school pretending that it meant nothing. 

"Oikawa came by to see me."

"I wasn't aware he was going to do that."

"He said you both called off the wedding."

"We did."

"Toshi… I'm sorry."

"I'm not."

And then Wakatoshi was kissing him. This wasn't like the kisses they shared before. This wasn't a soft brush of lips. Satori wondered if this was another thing on the list of things he had gotten wrong about Wakatoshi. Wakatoshi kissed as passionately as he played volleyball. He was used to the feeling of Wakatoshi's fingers in his hair and his arms around his waist. He was used to Wakatoshi's lips on his, but not like this. Wakatoshi kissed him like he was vital for life.

"I love you, Satori."

"I love you more, Toshi."

"Maybe so, but I promise to love you forever."

"Toshi!"


	3. Marry Me (And Other Lies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wakatoshi had been proposing to Tendou since they were kids, but when Tooru said yes he actually meant it.

It started with them sitting on Wakatoshi's bed tangled up together, always a little too close. Tendou was always a little too affectionate. Wakatoshi ignored the way it made his heart flutter in his chest. He had forgotten how in love with Tendou he was when he was dating Sakusa. For a moment this dull throb of want wasn't there. For a second he didn't feel like he was spiking straight into a block. He loved Tendou, but Tendou was too lovely for someone as cold as him. 

"Marry me?"

Tendou snorted at Wakatoshi's words looking up at him with all bright smiles and half-closed eyes. Wakatoshi wondered if it was weird to compare him to a content cat as he ran his fingers through his hair. He loved this. He loved touching Tendou even if he shouldn't be allowed to. 

"Bet."

He knew the yes wasn't real. They were in high school. Tendou didn't love him. Tendou loved someone else. He talked to him about it. He told him about that guy he was crushing on or that girl that made his heart race. Wakatoshi was always doomed to be his best friend. 

It kept happening like a broken record. Here when they were tangled up far too close for anyone to separate. Wakatoshi felt like he was a plant that had been grafted onto Tendou. He needed Tendou to survive. Tendou was his everything. He just wished he could be the same for Tendou. 

"Marry me."

"Let's goooooo."

Wakatoshi didn't know why he kept doing this. Tendou didn't even look up from his manga when he replied. Wakatoshi wanted so badly for it to be true. He wanted so badly for Tendou to actually love him back. He almost wished that Hanahaki was real so maybe he could do something about these feelings he was constantly drowning in. 

He wasn't much of a talker. Everyone knew that. He didn't say much and only when he had something to say. Tendou always chatted to fill the silence. Wakatoshi could listen to him for hours and never tire of his voice. He wished that he could explain the way that Tendou made him feel the way Tendou seemed to be able to explain absolutely anything and everything. He wished he was better with words. 

"Marry me."

"I already said yes."

But that yes wasn't enough. That yes wasn't real. He wanted to actually marry Tendou. He wanted to stand at his side and say all the words he kept bottled inside. He wanted to announce his love to the rooftops because it was the only thing he ever wanted to say again. He was recklessly, dangerously, undeniably in love with Tendou. 

Eventually, he has to stop this. Eventually, he had to acknowledge that the soft kisses that they trade are not platonic for him and it is wrong for every cell in his body to come alive during them. The dramatic kiss to his cheek as Tendou walks by. The way they lace their fingers together as they read. The way that his hand on Tendou's thigh itches to pull him closer. 

Tendou brushes their lips together as he drifts back to his room and Wakatoshi wishes he could pull him into a proper kiss. He wishes he could cling to him the way he wants to. He wishes that he could dig his fingers into Tendou's skin because they were never close enough. 

They knew better than to share those kisses when one of them was in a relationship and that was the biggest signal that what they shared wasn't platonic. Wakatoshi couldn't keep kissing Tendou when he knew that Tendou was dating Semi. He knew that he couldn't hurt his friends like that even if he craved and craved and craved. So he picked himself up ignoring the way his entire existence screamed at the unfairness of it all. 

"You want to date me?"

"Yes."

"Knowing that I am in love with Iwa?"

"I am in love with Tendou."

"Oh…"

"It might not be easy at first, but maybe we can heal like this."

Oikawa was beautiful. There was no denying it. Oikawa loved him the way he always wanted Tendou to love him so he doted on him. He made sure to be just as affectionate as he was with Tendou. He made sure to kiss away his doubts and say all the right things. He kept his feelings in check because he couldn't live his life longing for Tendou. Even when Tendou and Semi broke up he didn't stop loving Oikawa. Because he knew Tendou would still never look at him like that. 

"Marry me."

"I don't ever want to get married."

"Okay."

No matter how many times he said it Oikawa always said some form of no. At least it wasn't Tendou's meaningless yes. A no at least told the truth. Every yes that Tendou uttered was so painfully false. He ached. He ached. He ached, but he would ache for the rest of his life for Tendou. 

"Marry me."

"Bet!"

"Hey! Your boyfriend is right here!"

"You always say no. I have given up asking, Tooru"

Oikawa looked surprised. He looked like he could have never guessed that Wakatoshi was serious about marrying him. Wakatoshi wondered if it was for the same reason as him. He wondered how many times he had thought about marrying Iwaizumi only to be left heartbroken. He wondered if the same pain thrummed through his chest. They were both hopelessly in love with their best friends and it wasn't the first time it had caused a misunderstanding between them. 

"Ask me again."

"I'm sorry?"

"Last week you said that you stopped asking me to marry you because I always say no. Ask me again."

"Tooru, will you marry me?"

"Yes. Yes, I think I will."

Wakatoshi knows he should feel more excited when he pulls Tooru close and kisses him. He knows that this should be the happiest moment of his life, but faking it till they make it was his and Tooru's motto. When he lays Tooru down on the bed that night and makes love to him they both ignore the way that it's so much sweeter when they both pretend. Maybe one day it will be real. Maybe one day they will fall into bed together and won't be longing to be with someone else. 

When Tendou said he was moving to France everything shattered. He can feel the world collapsing around him even as he hides it with congratulations and happy smiles. He hides it with the feelings he is supposed to feel. He hides every cell in his body screaming out to Tendou to not leave him. He knows he won't live without Tendou. He may survive, but he didn't feel alive without Tendou. 

When Tooru asks Iwaizumi to be his best man Wakatoshi dutifully looks away not to see the way Tooru very obviously wishes to stand at the altar with Iwaizumi instead of him. He can't complain. He often fantasizes about what it would be like to stand at the altar with Tendou. That's not to say they don't love each other in their own way. Wakatoshi doesn't know what he would do without Tooru, but the love they shared was born from the love they held for people who they loved so much more. 

That night when he bends Tooru over the kitchen table and fucks him like he hates him he thinks that maybe he does. He wonders if Tooru hates him when he begs for it harder. They are circling the drain together only holding on because of each other. They fell in love because they hate how much they still wish that it was someone else loving them this way. 

When they both lay in bed that night they dutifully ignore each other's tears as they both long for someone else. They weren't happy together, but they were worse apart. And maybe one day they would be. Maybe one day they wouldn't be pretending. 

When he finds the letter of Tendou confessing his feelings he shatters. He drops to his knees and wonders if he was actually ever happy. He wondered if he was even capable of it. Was he capable of being happy, because this letter was supposed to make him so happy, but all he felt was cheated. He felt cheated of their perfect love story. He feels like a failure. He feels like a fake. He had been living in this dollhouse of emotion for so long that he didn't remember love that didn't taste bitter on his tongue. He kneels there in Tendou's bedroom until he gets home. He holds that letter reading it over and over and over again. Where was the lie? Where was the fake yes? Where was the joke that always came with every flutter of hope in his chest?

"Why didn't you tell me?"

It's the only thing he knows to say when Tendou freezes looking at him. Why didn't he tell him? Why did Tendou feel like he wasn't worthy? Why did Tendou already write them off as impossible? Why was he always cursed to have a fake yes? Why did he have to be doomed to play this stupid charade with Tooru where they both knew they belonged somewhere else?

"You were never supposed to see that! Damn it, Toshi!"

Anger bubbled inside him. It felt all-consuming. It felt infinite. He had never felt anger quite like this and especially never towards Tendou. Tendou could do no wrong in his eyes even when he was stomping on the shattered pieces of his heart. Not at that moment. At that moment he could have melted metal with the heat of his rage. 

"Then you shouldn't have put it under my fiance's wedding ring!"

Those weren't the words he meant to say. Those weren't the words burning on his tongue. He wanted to rage. He wanted to scream. He wanted to go to the court and take all of his aggression out, but instead, he just stood there. He stood there looking at the person who broke him and had the audacity to love him back when it was too late.

"I know! I know…"

The rage melts away. Tendou sounds so lost and Wakatoshi was always weak to it. He wished things were simple. He wished he could pull Tendou into a kiss like some shitty romance manga that Tendou would think was lame. He could never truly be angry at Tendou. He was weak. Tendou could cut him open and he would take the blame. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

His voice comes out so soft. Wakatoshi had never heard his voice exactly like this. He had never heard the emotions he usually kept locked up so tight spoken aloud like this. 

"Because you obviously never felt the same!"

The rage is back. He wonders if it is normal to feel this gutted. The 'how dare you? how dare you? how dare you?' that pounds in his chest tastes just as bitter as every kiss he shared with Tooru. If he thought that he hated Tooru he hated Tendou so much more. He hated how much he could never hate him.

"Don't decide my emotions for me!"

He was tired of this. He was tired of everyone either assuming that he didn’t have feelings or that they knew his feelings better than he knew his own. He had longed for Tendou for years and found out about him while picking up his fiance's wedding ring. 

"You're getting married, Toshi! This is not me deciding your emotions for you. This is me watching you get married to someone else!"

Wakatoshi was watching Tendou leave. He could fix everything but that. He could make things work if Tendou would just stay. Tooru would understand. He knew Tooru still longed for Iwaizumi more than he loved him. He knew that he was marrying a man who would never love him the way he loved someone else. Tendou would be different. Tendou would be his dream. Tendou would be everything he had ever wanted.

"I thought you knew how I felt about you. You were always so good at reading me."

Tendou was the only one who understood him. Tendou never looked at him like an emotionless robot. Tendou never expected him to be ice cold. Tendou kissed all the warmth he could ever need into his skin. Tendou laid on his chest like he wouldn’t rather be anywhere else and still didn’t love him enough to stay. Tendou never loved him enough to stay.

"I was  _ never  _ any good at reading you! You were the biggest mystery to me! You still are! They call me an expert on you, but I don't think I ever understood you! I wanted to! I wanted to know you."

Wakatoshi wanted to know Tendou too. He always had. He had always been told that he didn't understand people but he had wanted to. He wanted to understand Tendou more than anyone in the world. Tendou was the person who had mattered to him. No one else did. 

"Satori I love you."

He shouldn't sound this desperate. He shouldn't sound like he was losing everything. Tendou wasn't the one who he should be clinging to like a lifeline. Tendou had never been his, but he was the only one he had ever craved like this.

"Don't… Toshi… the wedding is this month. Don't!"

He didn't care. He didn't care at all. He knew that Tooru would understand just the way he would understand if Tooru left him for Iwaizumi. They went into this knowing that someone would always come first for the other. 

"Do you want me to hide it? Do you want me to pretend that we both aren't cutting off our nose to spite our face?"

Wakatoshi had never begged like this before. He had never needed anything the way he needed Tendou. He didn't want it to be too late. He didn't want it to be another regret in his life. Tendou was his euphoria if he could only just have his love. 

"I want you to be happy! I have always only wanted you to be happy! And he made you happy! The way that you looked at him that first day that we hung out together. That was when I stopped fighting for you. You looked at him like he was your entire world and he looked right back up at you. You looked so happy. That's all I ever wanted for you."

Tendou didn't understand. He didn't understand how he hated Tooru just as much as he loved him. He hated him so much because he wasn't Tendou. He loved him for who he was but hated him for who he wasn't. It was the balancing act they had to play to not drown in the feelings they had. Tooru had compared his feelings for Iwaizumi to a crashing wave, but Wakatoshi always said his feelings for Tendou were like a flame licking at his soul threatening to burn him alive. 

"I wanted that with you."

"Don't… Toshi… Go home. Go back to your soon to be  _ husband _ ."

"Satori-."

"Leave!"

When Wakatoshi walks out the door he had never felt more broken. He had lost Tendou when he was so close to finally being happy. He crumbled to the ground when he walked in the door of the apartment he shared with Tooru. He couldn't hold himself together anymore. He cried silently not even realizing he was crying until the tears dripped into his hands. It was how Tooru found him with Wakatoshi's sweatpants falling off his hips and his glasses pushed up on his head. He looked just how he looked when he fell for him, but Wakatoshi couldn't bring himself to pretend anymore. 

"Tendou loved me."

Tooru looked so painfully understanding at those words. If anyone would understand the broken weight of Wakatoshi's soul it would be Tooru. Tooru shifts into his lap hugging him close and they cry together.

"I found a letter. He had confessed to being in love with me since high school. I… I tried to talk about it. I tried to ask questions, but it was too late. I missed my chance."

"Toshi, if he loves you then you didn't lose your chance. I would give anything for the glimmer of hope you got today. If he loves you there is a chance and you need to go after it."

"I still love you."

"But Tendou is your heart."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for this. We both knew what we were signing up for when we got into this. Would you be upset if the same thing happened to me?"

"No, I would be happy for you. You deserve everything."

"So do you… I'll call Iwa. We'll call the wedding off."

"How are you so understanding?"

"Because of my pride."

They both snort at the soft inside joke. Wakatoshi loved Tooru's pride. Wakatoshi pulled Tooru back into his arms. 

"How many times do I have to say I was wrong?"

"Until you die."

"I really do love you."

"I love you, too, Toshi."

"You deserve the world. You deserve so much better than me."

"I only want one person."

"He doesn't know what he is missing."

"Toshi… once more… as a goodbye."

Wakatoshi can't deny Tooru anything. He kisses Tooru passionately and for once doesn't try to pretend. He didn't have to. They both knew that they were in love with someone else. They both knew that they were each other's second best. That didn't matter, because they loved each other. Maybe it was broken and wrong, but it was theirs.

When Tooru pressed him into the bed Wakatoshi could actually focus on him. He had a chance to chase after Tendou. He had a chance to have the only person in the world he had ever wanted. He had a chance to have the epic love story with Tendou he had dreamed of every time Tendou fell asleep on his chest. 

"Focus on me, Toshi. Just this once."

"I am."

Tooru smiled, his deft fingers slipping up Wakatoshi's shirt, mapping out his chest as if preserving him to memory. He wondered if breakups were supposed to be this… happy? Tooru never smiled like that during sex. He never playfully bit at Wakatoshi's ribs as he kissed down his stomach. There was a new life there. A new hope. Tooru had hope for himself now. Wakatoshi could see it in the way his cocky smirk was a little less forced than it was. 

"I love it when you get sweet on me." 

Tooru sounds so soft as he guides Wakatoshi to lay on his stomach on the bed. He doesn't usually do this. He doesn't usually take control. Wakatoshi knows how much Tooru enjoys being bent over the nearest available surface and used like a toy. He knows the way that Tooru's eyes roll back at the feeling of being owned. This is for Wakatoshi. Tooru is cherishing him as he runs his hands down Wakatoshi's broad shoulders, working all the tension out of his body before he even starts. Wakatoshi likes it when Tooru fucks him to sleep. He loves the feeling of being controlled by Tooru. Tooru who never bent to his will in high school and never would even if they had found an equilibrium. 

Tooru bites down sharply on the curve of Wakatoshi's ass and he knows that he is going to be covered in marks. Wakatoshi wonders if it is intentional. He wonders if he is just another person who was inevitably conquered by the king. Anyone who had given Kageyama the title had obviously not seen Tooru at his peak. Tooru was about as close to a deity as Wakatoshi would ever believe in. 

The first stretch on Tooru's fingers always feels just on the edge of too much. His long fingers immediately searching for his prostate. Tooru liked to use his observation skills to make sure he was completely wrecked by the end. Wakatoshi didn't think anyone had ever known him the same way Tooru did. Tooru read him like a book and still cherished him. If he didn't love Tendou so much Tooru could have made him happy. Tooru was beautiful and kind and so bright that he lit up any room. Tooru would always be his king even if he would always belong to Tendou first.

"Focus on me. You're drifting."

"Just thinking of you." Tooru smiled into his shoulder at the words. This was so much softer than sex had been for months before this. Tooru made his thighs into a canvas of claiming bite marks as he worked him open slowly. 

"Good."

"You made me happy."

"You made me happy too."

Wakatoshi can't keep the conversation going as Tooru curls his fingers, yanking a harsh moan from his lips. Tooru didn't want to talk about the end. If he was honest he didn't either. He wanted to enjoy this last time as if it was their first when Tooru looked like a god under him, his skin tanned from the Argentina sun. Tooru was far too bright for his life. He deserved so much better. He deserved everything. 

When Tooru slips his fingers out Wakatoshi lets out a small whine at the empty feeling that Tooru always found endearing. It didn't matter how many times they did this. He was still stunned at how Wakatoshi so obediently submitted to him. One of the top aces in the country. The man who had told him that his pride was going to be his downfall. The man who tended to plants in his spare time and found a simple joy in taking care of the people he loved. He had been Tooru's for a while, but he had to admit he had enjoyed every moment of it. There wasn't a cruel bone in his body even if he refused to keep up with the flowery niceties of social interaction. 

"Now you're drifting."

"Just admiring you. Ride me? Don't pout at me, Toshi. You know what I like."

Wakatoshi pushed Tooru down onto the bed straddling his waist. Tooru could never get used to this. Wakatoshi looked like a work of art like this. The way his strong thighs flexed as he settled into place. The way his eyes dropped closed at the initial stretch. The way he would watch Tooru glassy-eyed and soft as he set a slow loving pace. Tooru could watch him like this forever. He hoped Tendou cherished what he had. He hoped that the other man knew what a treasure Wakatoshi was. 

"Tooru  _ fuck." _

Tooru's favorite was when Wakatoshi started to fall apart. The way his thighs flexed under his fingers as he tipped his head back concentrating only on using Tooru to reach his peak. This was the only way that Wakatoshi would take what he wanted. Even when Wakatoshi was fucking him like he was a toy he was always conscious of Tooru's wants. Here Wakatoshi finally let himself let loose and ride Tooru for his own pleasure. 

"So good, Toshi. You are so pretty for me."

Wakatoshi came alive under the praise. The flush on his cheeks starting to stain its way down Wakatoshi's chest. Tooru wanted to imprint this into his mind. He wished he was an artist because the way Toshi looked right then deserved to be put up in a museum. 

"Tooru  _ please." _

Tooru was weak to deny Toshi anything. Especially when he begged pretty like that with tears gathering in his eyes in frustration for it just not being enough. Tooru couldn’t resist pushing Toshi into the bed, gripping his hair tight so that he couldn’t muffle himself into the pillows. He was going to miss this. He never felt more powerful than when he was holding Toshi right on this precipice.

Tooru pressed his lips down Toshi’s spine, slowing the pace down to a slow grind making Toshi let out soft punched-out whines. He wanted to preserve this moment. He didn’t want to walk away without making sure he had Toshi's shattered expression imprinted into his mind. He loved how he looked eyes glazed and mouth open with soft desperate pants. Tooru was the one who got to do that to him. The powerful Ushijima Wakatoshi begging and crying for his cock.

“So beautiful, Toshi.”

“Please, Tooru!  _ Please!” _

Tooru couldn’t deny him when he begged like that. He finally wrapped his fingers around Toshi’s neglected cock and sped up his thrusts. Most would expect Toshi to be quiet and composed during sex, but Tooru knew better. Tooru knew about the way to angle his hips just right to make that desperate whine punch out of his throat. He knew how to bite that spot on Toshi’s neck to make him let out a low rumbling noise that was almost a growl. Tooru knew everything about Toshi’s body. 

When Toshi came for once his mind wasn’t anywhere else. They locked eyes and refused to look away until they were both panting and satisfied. It was more intimate than they had ever before. Tooru gently tangled their fingers together soaking up the lingering connection before they got up to clean separately. This was the end. When they went to bed that night Tooru didn’t curl up on Toshi’s chest like he usually did. 

Wakatoshi woke up to the sound of Tooru and Iwaizumi’s muffled voices coming from the living room. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. Tooru just assumed he was still asleep.

“Why Tooru? You both were so happy?”

“We weren’t. I knew he was in love with Tendou long before we agreed to marry.”

“But why? Why put yourself through this? If you knew he would never love you then  _ why?” _

“Because he knew I could never love him and wasn’t hurt by it.”

“What? I thought you loved him.”

“I do, but not like he loves Tendou. I love him like he loves me.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It does, but you don’t want to acknowledge what it means.”

“Tooru…”

“I never asked for anything from you.”

“No… Tooru-”

“Hajime, I am not asking for anything. You don’t have to talk about it.”

“I do if you are going to go date someone else who doesn’t love you like you deserve!”

“Don’t tell me what I deserve!”

“Tooru, you deserve to be happy and loved.”

“Well, I had only enough for one great love.”

“I-”

“Say something! Say anything! Tell me that you just want to be friends! Tell me I am shitty for this! Say  _ something! _ ”

“Tooru- We wasted so much time.”

“What?”

“I had resigned myself to being your best friend forever.”

“Iwa-chan, you’re not making any sense.”

“I love you, you idiot. I always have.”

The silence made Wakatoshi smile as he finished getting dressed to leave for practice. He hadn’t wanted to interrupt. When he walked out Iwaizumi sprung away from Tooru as if burned.

“I’m leaving, Tooru. Do you want me to pick up dinner for you, or are you going to be with Iwaizumi?”

“I’ll text you-”

“He’s staying with me.”

“Good. Treat him right.”

“You two are awful. Get to practice, Toshi.”

Wakatoshi jogged out the door letting himself smile at the fact that Tooru wouldn’t be left alone after they parted ways. Tooru deserved the world. That month was one of the hardest he had ever experienced. Tendou wasn’t picking up his phone. Tooru and Iwaizumi had started taking over his living room to make sure that he was okay with the gaping hole in his life where Tendou belonged. 

Then out of nowhere Tendou called. 

"Toshi."

Wakatoshi could have wept at the sound of Tendou’s voice on the other end of the phone even if he sounded like he was crying. Toshi hated it when Tendou’s cried. Tendou was his sun. Tendou was the brightest thing in his world. 

"Satori, I am glad you called. We need to talk."

"I'm sorry, Toshi.”

"Satori, can I come over?"

That shouldn’t have sounded like a plea. He needed to see Tendou. He needed to see him and beg for him back in his life. He could settle for whatever Tendou wanted as long as he was back in his life.

"I never meant to ruin everything."

"Satori, I am coming over."

"I just want you to be happy."

"You make me happy."

His voice broke when he admitted that. Life had been so bland without Tendou by his side. He now understood why people said that life wasn’t as bright without your soulmate because even the court couldn’t bring the happiness he drew from Tendou’s presence. 

"You deserve better."

"Nothing is better."

He wasn’t lying. Nothing could possibly be better than Tendou. Tendou was so much more than just his best friend or the man with who he was in love. Tendou was the only person he ever cared about the opinion of. Tendou was the person who knew every messy thought that went through his head and still stayed by his side. Tendou was his everything. 

"Toshi… will you kiss me like you used to when you get here?"

Toshi’s heart stuttered in his chest when he heard those words. Nothing in life could be easier than that request. He wanted so bad to feel Tendou’s lips against his own again. 

"If that is what you want.”

Wakatoshi nearly ran to Tendou’s apartment. He needed to see him. He didn’t care about the people who stared. Tendou was finally willing to talk to him. He needed to see him. When he walked in the door he didn’t hesitate before pulling Tendou into one of the soft kisses he used to wish he could linger on, but too scared to actually ask for.

"Oikawa came by to see me."

Wakatoshi wasn’t really expecting an explanation for why now. He hadn’t known what to expect. He was just so relieved to be able to caress Tendou’s cheeks again wiping the tears from his face. 

"I wasn't aware he was going to do that." 

"He said you both called off the wedding."

"We did."

"Toshi… I'm sorry."

"I'm not."

Wakatoshi couldn’t hold back anymore. He kissed Tendou like he has always wanted to. He kissed Tendou like he was vital for life. He tangled his fingers into his hair his other hand dropping down to Tendou’s waist. It was perfect. Tendou fit so perfectly into his arms. It was wet, messy, desperate, but so fucking perfect. 

"I love you, Satori."

"I love you more, Toshi."

"Maybe so, but I promise to love you forever."

"Toshi!"


End file.
